padfoot_moony83

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 02:58:51 GMT

monday i went to my doctor appointment and my blood pressure was higher than the last time so i had to come back to see him today and it went down a little so that's good news.. i have to go back monday so he can check it again.. sucks because i have to have so many appointments now so the doctor can keep a close eye on my blood pressure.. it's for my own good but it's kind of annoying trying to find people to take me and what not. Lisle came home today to take me to my appointment because I was worried i'd have to go upstairs for more tests and i needed him with me, but turns out i'm doing a little better so nothing had to be done yet. he has to leave friday already and then he'll be home on the 23rd i guess, that seems like forever for me because i'm sick of being alone mainly because i'm huge and don't want to do anything for myself anymore. plus i just like having him around, but that isn't going to change anytime soon i guess. he gave me a bubble bath tonight, it was so relaxing, it's been a long time since i had a bath. i'm sick of feeling paranoid, i feel like Lisle is keeping something from me, mainly because last weekend i knew he was with some of his truck friends in wisconsin and he didn't answer his phone the whole night and i grew suspicious, i still have a weird feeling in my stomach about something but it could just be my hormones i dont know..something just doesn't feel right but he says there's nothing going on so what can i do. i can't believe i'm going to be a mom in three weeks, i'm so not ready but at the same time i can't wait any longer to see him, i'm so nervous and i'm scared to death because my life is about to change in a huge way and i'll never get it back, but i guess the only way to go is forward and hope for the best. i hope me and Lisle become closer and not have a hard time being parents together, i'd hate for this to be the end of our relationship like some other couples, we've been through hard times and made it through so i don't know why this would be any different. as long as we make sure we have time to ourselves and talk to each other.. well i think i'm going to watch tv, he's laying in bed and i need to get him off his butt to go downstairs with me. peace!

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 19:11:26 GMT

i had a doctor appointment yesterday, regular two week checkup, and i find out my blood pressure is high which makes me nervous, Logan seems to be fine, heartbeat is normal and he's still moving a lot. buuut it isn't good when the blood pressure is high so he wants to see me on monday to check it again and if its gotten higher then i guess i'll be delievering Logan a few weeks earlier than planned. im not sure what he'll do if it stays the same, not sure if it's going to be a problem or not yet. i feel out of breath a lot but im hoping that's just because of how big Logan is and where he's positioned, i'm hoping that has nothing to do with my heart or blood pressure, my heart beat seems to be racing lately too which i don't like. i'm just trying to relax and meditate and try to keep calm at all times, hoping it helps so on monday everything is back to normal. he didn't seem toooo worried about it yet, mainly because my urine came out okay so it's not preeclampsia and i don't have headaches or anything like that. but i do have major acid reflux problems and i'm hoping to try some tums today to see if it helps, i've had this problem since august now but the last few weeks it's been unbearable to the point where i can't even lay down. four weeks to go! well i think anyways it might be less! i'm ready for Logan if he has to come sooner, as long as he's healthy and i'm okay then i don't care. i need Lisle home so bad, i need him to rub my hair and tell me it's going to be okay and i need him to do the chores around the house for me... sucks i have to be here alone. but we need money so there's really no way around that. he took his vacation for the end of december into january so hopefully he can help me out with the baby. unless he comes early and then who knows!! well i'm going to walk to the store, i think exercise helps lower blood pressure and i haven't been walking as much as i used to lately, mainly because my legs don't want to move anymore, i'm too heavy! can't wait to lose these pounds! i'll keep updating as soon as i find out more on monday.. peace.

33 weeks

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 19:28:20 GMT

so i'm 33 weeks pregnant, will be 34 this thursday.. and i feel huge and nasty, i have stretch marks, i have a hard time walking now and i can't ever get comfortable.. so this is probably the worst time in a pregnancy, at least for me anyways, i'd rather have morning sickness! but it's almost over and soon i'll have Logan to take care of. i'm overwhelmed and i hate being alone all the time, i have to do every chore around here and it's hard to do that when you're eight months pregnant! i have to take out the trash, pick up zoey's poop in the yard, do all the dishes, cook dinner every night for myself, clean the house and get things ready for the baby. Lisle has it so easy he doesn't even know. I want a freaking massage every night and god damn i deserve one! but i can't have any of that pampering because i'm with a guy who drives long haul and that blows. even when he does come home it's like i'm still by myself having to do everything unless i bug him to do something for me, it's sad really. he should come sit by me and rub my hair without me asking him to! that drives me nuts about him. i would like some compliments too more often, i'm upset about not being able to wear hardly any of my clothes because nothing will fit and i can't just go buy new ones so i would like to be told i look nice even if i dont, ya know?! i shouldn't bitch and moan about him because i know he's out there for us making money and what not but it would be nice to have a man around the house to help me out right now, it's hard enough to get off the couch lately and if i feel like eating something i don't have in the house it'd be great if i could send him out to get it, but i don't get any of that either. i hate feeling alone in this, i feel like i'll be the only one raising this baby too, i'll be the one getting no sleep and doing everything around the house and that's going to wear me out so much i'm afraid of how i'll react. i don't do well on no sleep and i know he doesn't either but i'm going to need all the help from him i can get and no matter how many times i tell him this i don't think he really understands what it's going to be like. i know he still has to work obviously since i'm not but i definately need him home more than six days out of a month. i can't do this alone and i never wanted to, i have zoey to take care of too. so that's what's on my mind, i feel crappy today, i'm in pain and i'm tired and i have a doctor appointment soon that i don't want to go to and i have a million questions to ask the doctor it seems. i just want a warm bubble bath, a nice meal i don't have to cook and Lisle here to massage my aching muscles. is that too much to ask?!!! he won't be home until next tuesday. yippee.

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 19:58:29 GMT

I'm going to keep this short because I'm at my Mom's house right now, I found a home a few days after I got to NY and about a week later I started moving into it, now not even a month of being here and I'm already living in it! It's a two bedroom two story house, no other people living in it, big backyard, good driveway for Lisle's truck, only bad part is that Zoey won't go upstairs because of her fear of them so I've had to sleep on the couch with her since I moved in. Lisle hasn't seen the place yet, he'll be home Thursday. It's the same price as our old apartment but this is an actual house. Just thought I'd update everyone so you all know I'm doing okay. I'm almost 29 weeks pregnant! My doctor appointment is this Friday with a new doctor so that sucks but I want to know how Logan's doing, he's still moving a lot! Hopefully I'll be getting internet back but I'm not in any rush because I have enough bills to worry about. Peace!

last entry for a while

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 19:48:39 GMT

I thought I'd update before I give up the internet.. I should be more excited about moving back home.. but really all it's caused me is stress, worries about not finding a place by November, hating that I have to stay at Tracy's instead of my Mom's (dog reasons), upset that I won't see Lisle until I find a place to live which makes me more stressed.. aaaaaahhhhh I thought this would be a good thing but now it's just making me go crazy. I'll feel better once we settle into our own place again, I just wish I knew when that would be. I want to get a crib and start setting up Logan's room, I've been wanting to do this for months now but I had no reason to here since we are moving. I'm getting pissed when I look for apartments in Norwich, mainly because they all say "no pets" or at least 90% of them do and the ones that don't are too expensive, one bedroom or upstairs. You know 45% of americans have a pet in their home, you'd think people could rent a freaking apartment and have a dog too. I can't just give away Zoey so I have to keep waiting until something else shows up, and it's a bad time of year to move too, hopefully I'll move by the time it snows! GRRRRR. I feel like my family isn't helping at all, they seemed to want me to move so bad and my Mom and stepdad made me feel guilty about not living there with my baby so I decide to move now and it's like whatever to them, I should have known. I'll be stuck at Tracy's 24/7 and I'll have to hear her and Nathan scream at each other, not exactly what I'd call a stress-free environment. I'm six months pregnant and just want to live in a quiet place without people bugging me. I'm uncomfortable as it is, living at her house is going to make me feel worse. It better be for only three weeks or so.. I still have packing to do but I'm waiting for Lisle to get home to help me. It's so cold out today and I haven't seen the sun since Friday! Really ruins my mood when it's rainy and dark and the yard is a mud pit. Not easy taking Zoey outside lately. Well I'm done bitching, hopefully we can afford to get the internet back when we move into our own place, if not then it'll just have to wait, it's not a major necessity right now. Hopefully the ride out there with Zoey is a smooth one! Peace.

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 03:14:00 GMT

I can't believe I have less than two weeks of living in Wisconsin, I'm actually kind of sad about it in a way, even though I don't like the bigger city and all the crime, I will definately miss it here. It's been great having all the stores in one area, we never had to drive out of town which was nice.. it will take some adjusting to feel normal in such a small town as Norwich again. I'm a little stressed about money, it's going to cost $800 just to rent a truck to move our stuff and our car, not including the gas/tolls/food. We have to spend our security deposit on the trip instead of saving it for our next place so that is a bummer. I don't want to be stuck at Tracy's that long, two weeks would be okay but I'm kind of in a rush to move into my own place again, I love having the freedom of living alone and being able to decorate and all that fun stuff. Not to mention I need to start setting up Logan's room! My mom is going to buy the crib so we'll have to shop around for that when I get out there, and then I'll need to buy a changing table, a swing, rocking chair and that's about it for the bigger stuff. We have a lot of clothes for him for at least the first three months hopefully, I'm sure we'll end up with more but for now it's a good start. My mom looked at an apartment on Fair Street for me, it sounds really nice, the guy is still working on it so it's not ready yet which works out perfect for me since we still have to save up money for rent/deposit. When I get out there I'm going to fill out the paperwork and go meet him and see the place. Hopefully by then he hasn't already found someone to move in, that'd suck. I REALLY need two bedrooms and of course they have to accept Zoey. I better have a place by November 1.. if not sooner. I'd like to be able to settle in and get everything unpacked by the time I have my baby! That's my goal anyways. The ultrasound came out "normal", not sure what that means because I didn't get to talk to my doctor yet, I'd like to know more about it so at my appointment next Friday I'll ask more questions. My back is killing me, that's really my only complaint lately, this chair doesn't help so I don't stay on the computer that long anymore. I have a hard time getting comfortable in bed too, I usually wake up quite a bit to toss and turn and fight with different positions. It's hard getting used to having a belly..lol.. but I wouldn't change anything, being uncomfy for a few months is so worth it. Well I think I'll go lay down and watch tv. Peace.

baby news

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 14:31:26 GMT

I saw my baby! It's a boy.. my Mom and the guy who lives next door to her was right! How creepy is that..but I'm super excited about it because I really did feel like my baby was a boy after a few months of being pregnant. I have three pictures from the ultrasound of him.. it's so neat. I keep feeling him move too, it's been really difficult getting comfortable lately, I end up tossing and turning quite a bit. My belly is getting in the way a lot and it's only going to get bigger! I have some back pain but other than that, things have been going good. He weights a little over a pound right now and on Thursday at my next appointment I find out how everything is with him, all the major stuff, I'm nervous but I guess I'd rather know sooner than later. It was really cute when we were watching him on the screen because at one point he had his legs crossed like he was just relaxing in there, he's definately a mover. So everyone is calling him Logan now.. makes me feel like it's all really happening.. and I don't have much time until I actually see him now.. it's kind of scary because I still have a lot to do! I have to find a new place to live in NY.. set up his room, buy more stuff for him and hopefully get a washer and dryer before he comes too. Pretty stressful but I'm trying to stay calm as much as possible, I already packed up a lot of my stuff, I mainly just have the kitchen to do and the bathroom. Well I think that's all the news I have so far.. I'll update in a few days after my appointment..hopefully the good news keeps coming.

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 14:48:26 GMT

I guess I better update while everything is still fresh in my mind.. so it's already Friday, two more days until I have to leave NY.. but I won't be gone for long! Lisle and I decided to go back to WI for my two doctor appointments, pack up our things in his truck, grab Zoey and then come back to NY for good. We are going to store our stuff in a storage unit and I'm going to stay with Tracy with Zoey, if her landlord okays it anyways..*crosses fingers*. It will probably take like three weeks before we actually get back to NY but it's still a lot sooner than the original plan and hopefully within a month of living with Tracy I'll be able to find a place. The next two or so months are going to be busy and definately weird for me. Everything is moving so fast now but it's what I want in my heart so I guess I shouldn't complain. I don't feel so well right now, I just got really tired all of a sudden. Belle and Lisle are laying on the bed behind me. Actually Belle is halfway on the nightstand and halfway on the bed lol.. looks uncomfy. I had my baby shower Wednesday night, these are the people that came: my Mom, Tracy, Danielle, Jessica, Al's wife, Jamie and Cheryl (older cousins of mine). I got a lot of stuff and all of it fit in with the zoo theme I wanted for the baby room so I'm excited. Then yesterday I bought a cute lion lamp and a diaper bag with a giraffe on it. I'm leaving all the baby stuff at my mom's until I find a place to live. I can't wait to set up the nursery and wash all the clothes and put them in the dresser. Last night me and Lisle went to dinner with my mom and Leonard at Brooks BBQ in Oneonta, Lisle paid. We stayed the night at Danielle's on Monday when he came to town, Tuesday was a pretty quiet day, we came back up to my mom's after she got out of work and went swimming with Jacob for a few minutes then went down to Walmart. Today we're taking Leonard's toyota to Danielle's to get to his truck for some things and so we can get our $30 from her then we're going to stop by my Dad's. Tonight we're staying at Tracy's.. get ready for uncomfortable sleeping..blah. She has a really small couch and a recliner, so yeah go figure. Today is Jacob's sixth birthday, tomorrow is the party. I think that's pretty much everything that has been going on this past week.. I saw a lady I used to work with at Ames, she works at Hess now, she was always a little crazy, still is too. Oh yeah and last week on Thursday I went to the fair with Tracy, Nathan, Danielle and Jacob, it was boring for me because I couldn't ride anything so I just watched the boys ride. I also keep feeling the baby move, I'm pretty positive that's what it is anyways, it's so neat.. what isn't neat is my boobs leaking!! LOL enough about that.. until next time..peace.

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 13:36:42 GMT

I think it's been a week since I updated so here I am. I've been doing something pretty much everyday since I got here, especially now that my mom and Leonard are on vacation. I haven't seen too much of my Dad or brother but I guess that's their problem. I might be going to dinner with my Dad tomorrow. I went to the Utica mall yesterday with my Mom, Tracy, Danielle and Emily, that was fun, I bought the Black Crowes cd I was looking for, some shampoo, conditioner, soap and chapstick from Bath and Body Works, and at Old Navy I bought two t-shirts that are really soft (maternity), they fit my belly better and my Mom bought me a pair of maternity cargos because I didn't have enough for all of it :) So now I have three pants that are maternity, which are the only kind I can wear now. But they're all really comfy, I'm afraid I won't want to stop wearing them after I have my baby! Tuesday we went to the Utica Zoo with Jacob and Nathan, there wasn't too much there but it was still fun for me because I love animals. I saw a really pretty Siberian Tiger. On Monday we babysat Jacob and Emily until 3:00, Sunday we went to Target, Kohls and Unos to eat, it was up near Syracuse. Saturday I went to Tracy's for the day, we walked to McDonalds for lunch, I got my Crazy Vanilla ice cream finally. Then that night we went up to Danielle's for a cookout then I went home. Friday my Mom didn't have to work because the storm knocked out her computers at work so she brought me down to get my hair trimmed then we went to Walmart, I bought new shoes, Raising Helen dvd and some undies. We had to watch Emily and Jacob again that day at 3-6. Thursday we went over to Kmart in Sidney. I think that's everything I've been doing so far.. it's a lot for me because I'm used to sitting home alone everyday, and it sucks that I have to go back to that life when I don't want to. I want my Zoey back of course but I hate my life out there. His parents would never call and say hey want to go out for dinner or shopping? Not like I'd want to go with them anyways. It just makes me miss my own parents when I'm around his. Maybe I sound like a baby but I've been living away from my family for over two years now and I hate it more everyday. My Mom is going to buy a crib for my baby, she said when I find one just tell her how much and she'll send money :) I guess it's a tradition, she bought my sisters their first child's crib too. Tracy bought the baby this cute super soft sleep outfit at The Childrens Place, I saw it and wanted to buy it but it was 12.50 and I really needed to buy myself some clothes so she said she'd get it. It's yellow with two bears on it. I still have to buy yellow until the 25th when I hopefully find out boy or girl. I believe I've been feeling the baby move, I feel it a lot when I'm sitting up, like in the vehicle, it's a weird feeling, something I haven't felt before so that's why I think it's the baby moving around. I'm 20 weeks pregnant today! I can't believe it, it's going by so fast and it's scary because I have a lot to do still. When I get back home I have to sign up for childbirth classes. Well I'm going to shower with my new shampoo/conditioner..yum yum. I'll write back more, Lisle will be here on Sunday! Peace.

p.s. I almost forgot to mention, Leonard gave me this new laptop, it's a Compaq instead of the Dell I had, it has a bigger hard drive though.. it's awesome.

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 13:09:08 GMT

I'm finally back online! Not like I care that much about it but it's still nice to have access to the net again. Ok so where do I begin.. I guess I'll start with my birthday, I had a busy day because the next day I had to leave for NY so I did a lot of running around doing last minute things since Lisle wasn't home that week until my birthday. We went to the mall and I spent $260 at Motherhood Maternity.. I tried on a lot of stuff and Lisle told me to get it all because it all fit me perfectly, he even helped pick out some tops for me :) He was super sweet about it all and really helpful, it made me feel really good. I'm so lucky I have him, for real, I don't think I say that enough, he is the greatest guy for me and I know that for sure. He bought a new outfit too at JcPenny and some swim shorts so he can go swimming with me when he gets to my mom's. I bought a new swimsuit too, it's not that comfy in the pool but I figured if I didn't buy it I wouldn't have one at all. So then Saturday we dropped off Zoey :( and went on our way to NY, the trip wasn't bad, it was a lot better than being alone on a train, Lisle cracked me up a lot and we stopped at a lot of rest areas so I wasn't really ever uncomfy. He's such a good driver, sometimes I feel like he thinks he's still in a car but he knows how to handle situations pretty well. Scares me sometimes though when he gets so close to the car in front of us! Sunday around 6:00pm we got to the rest area between Norwich and Sherburne where my mom and Leonard met us, so I had to say bye to Lisle :( and he was on his way north. When they picked me up we went over to Danielle's new trailer, Nathan was there but no Jacob just Emily, who I finally got to meet..she's so small for six months! But she's really cute and sweet. She kept smiling at me :) Then we dropped off Nathan so I got to see Tracy for a few minutes so that was nice. Yesterday her and Nathan came up to go swimming with me, the water was nice, my mom even got in, of course she sat on a tube thing the whole time. Then we cooked out for dinner and Danielle, Jacob and Emily showed up for a while. After that they all went home, my mom took me to the store so I could get some food, I got to see how the dirty people in Norwich, I forgot how bad this town was, wow. So many freaking dirt bag hicks with rotten teeth and the sad thing is they think they are so cool... riiiight. And their kids are filthy.. so sad. That's the bad part about moving back here, the nasty people. Of course Racine has nasty people too but it's such a big city you don't just see them. They don't take up half the population. So it's Tuesday, it's HOT and going to get HOTTER later so I think Danielle is coming up to swim after 3:00. Oh and my mom and Leonard put a AC and my old tv with cable in this room for me :) :) My mom is being so protective of me because I'm pregnant, not what I expected. She won't let me carry things lol or jump out of a vehicle.. she's funny. Well I suppose that's everything that's been happening in the last few days.. I miss Lisle but I'm enjoying the time with my family as much as I can. I got birthday money to spend now :) I'll update more in a few days. Peace!

most wonderful time of the year...

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 02:10:30 GMT

I love the end of July, something about my birthday makes me excited again and it usually starts a week or so before the actual day. So I went to my doctor appointment on Friday, I heard the heartbeat again and I got my blood tested for downs syndrome and a few other chromosome thingys, I find out the results next Friday. I gained five more pounds, they were happy about that and that's about all that happened. My ultrasound is scheduled for August 25, the day I finally get to see my baby and find out if it's a boy or a girl so I'm excited for that. Then on the 31st of August I have another regular checkup. So when I get back from NY I'll have two appointments to go to plus I have to register for child birth classes even though I don't go until I'm seven months or so. This week I'm going shopping for clothes and I'm hoping I can find a few outfits for a good price because I don't have too much money to work with and I won't have my birthday money until I get to NY. I'm stopping by Old Navy first even though usually their clothes are too expensive, sometimes you can find good deals. Let's see what else has happened... I have so much to do this week, I have to pack, take Zoey to the vet, stop by the kennel to drop things off and other little things that have to be done before I leave.. then early Saturday morning we're taking off to NY, which means we have to drop Zoey off at his parents, blah. She's going to the kennel for a few days in August though because they're going to be gone for 12 hours and Zoey can't be alone that long. Hopefully my family and I are going to Enchanted Forest in two weeks, I can't ride anything but it'll still be nice to go even though Lisle won't be there :( I have no idea what we're going to do when he gets into town, we won't have a vehicle. I won't want to be walking around all the time in the heat either, I hope Tracy doesn't expect me to. Well I think that's about it.. this Friday is my birthday and I have so much to do! I hope I can relax and eat a ice cream cake at least. Peace!

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 17:30:54 GMT

I'm pretty excited, I'm going to NY July 29, I'll be there the next day where my mom and Leonard are picking me up in Binghamton and I'm staying until August 19. Only sad part is leaving Zoey at Lisle's mom's again, I hate doing it but I don't have another choice, at least this will be my last trip to NY until we move next year and she'll be coming for that. Lisle will be in Norwich August 13-19 for his week vacation then we're heading back to Wisconsin. So I'll be there for three whole weeks, let's hope no one makes me cry, I'm sure I will though. It's sad that I come all the way out to visit them and they try to tear me down to make me feel worthless, what kind of parent does that to their kid? Not to mention I'm going to be 23 years old soon, quit treating me like a teenager who doesn't know how the world works. I'm excited to see how my baby shower goes, and what kind of stuff I get, that should be interesting. I wanted to know if I was having a boy or a girl first but I'm not sure what they'll do next Friday at my appointment. If I have an ultrasound then they might be able to tell. I read that I might feel the baby move anytime now, I'm waiting, it's hard to tell what might be the baby and might just be gas lol. It doesn't move enough for Lisle to feel it yet, it's still too small. What a gloomy day, it's all dark and rainy, I had to get out of bed by noon because my landlord was coming over to check to see what it'd take to hook up a washer and dryer for me. I told him we're not going to move until next year so he's pretty happy he doesn't have to find someone else to move in. We're going to change the living room into our bedroom, put up big tapestries to seperate the bedroom and the dining room which will be the new living room and the baby will have the room we are in now. It'll be a weird set up but it's better than sleeping in the same room with the baby and being all crowded. I can't wait to start moving things around and setting up the baby's room. Yuck I feel weird like I need sleep but I slept enough even if I did keep waking up, I've been having bad leg cramps in my one leg everytime I sleep so I wake up in pain and I feel like I need to move it, they say it's pretty common in pregnancy I just didn't think I'd be feeling it yet. I need to buy one of those big pregnancy pillows, they fit your whole body on it. I also need to buy new pants, I only have one pair of jeans that sort of fit and a few jogging pants but I won't wear them out in public. I'm going to check out the maternity store and see what I can find. I could use some new tank tops too, all the ones I have my belly is starting to pop out underneath and that's not exactly a good look lol. Well I suppose I'll go watch tv and lay down for a while. Peace!

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 01:12:16 GMT

Today is Zoey's birthday, she's three years old.. seems like I've had her longer than three years. I took her for a walk earlier and then we played with a football in the yard and I gave her a vanilla ice cream cup, she enjoyed that, her tail wouldn't stop wagging. Right now she's passed out on the floor, which means I did my job, lol. Not too much has been happening around here, Lisle was home last weekend, he left on the fourth after we watched fireworks. He'll be home on the 21st for my next Dr. appointment, I really want to find out if I'm having a boy or a girl so I'm hoping they'll try to check this visit. My birthday is on the 28th, yippee. I'm supposed to be going to NY second week in August for two weeks but I'd rather use his week vacation to look for a new place to live since I set a goal for September 1 to be moved out of here. It needs to be done and over with so I can start focusing on setting up a room for the baby and getting all that stuff out of the way, not to mention it's going to cost a lot so we can't buy it all at once. I've been stressed about his bills, the credit card, the old verizon bill and then the one from NY which we still don't know what it is but we've paid a little bit of it, but nothing to make his credit any better.. it's so hard to pay on those bills when we have other important ones that affect our living, like rent, electric/gas, phone/cable, plus paying on the new furniture every two weeks.. it's like a never ending battle with bills. I feel like we'll never get caught up. Then there's that huge amount of taxes over his head that won't go away for at least a year and a half. Not to mention we'll be bringing a baby into all this, how stressful is that?? Hopefully by then we'll pay off at least one major bill, most likely his credit card since they seem to be pushing more. We also need a better vehicle, a bigger one too, but you can't get a loan without credit.. gotta love the way the system works around here, getting a loan from the bank to pay off his taxes and bills would be a major help and then he'd have one payment a month to the bank instead, but like I said with bad credit no one will give him a loan I'm sure, so that's messed up. He could file bankruptcy but then he'd have to wait seven years until he gets credit back, that's not worth it. We'll just have to take one week at a time and see what we can pay when that week comes. I hate living in this apartment because it's a rip off, one bedroom for $550 whatever! Not to mention it's a fairly small place with a small bedroom that couldn't fit a crib or any other baby stuff. So moving is definately not an option, it's a must. We also have to pay all our bills, nothing is included in the rent, not even water. When we first moved in we had a different landlord and she made us pay $450 because she realized we'd have to pay everything else seperate so she liked to keep the rent low, then she sold the place to a guy who I've never been really pleased with and he raised the rent up right away but didn't include anything with it. Well I'm done ranting about this, just pisses me off the more I think about it and the more I think about it the more I need to move.

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 17:32:30 GMT

Yesterday I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time.. it was such an emotional moment for me, I had tears in my eyes and it was hard to keep still. Hearing it made me realize it's really happening and there is a tiny life inside of me and I have to do whatever I can to make sure it stays strong and healthy.. it's a lot of pressure but I know I can handle it, I seem to be doing a good job so far. The doctor said the heartbeat sounded really good, I thought so too :) it was fast and steady and the most amazing thing I have ever heard. All my blood work came back good too so I was relieved. I'm thirteen weeks she said, three months, I'm still expiriencing morning sickness, not as often or as bad but when my stomach gets empty in the morning it when I have the problems. My appetite has seemed to increase a lot in the last few days, but I only gained three pounds since my last visit a month ago so I'm not too worried.
Today sucks, Lisle had to leave this morning and of course it's the day when they're predicting strong storms with possible tornadoes.. so far it hasn't been too bad but it's still early and we have a severe storm watch until 6:00. This morning I woke up to a heavy storm, scared me, it got so dark, but I felt safe with Lisle laying next to me. His mom left a voicemail saying she knows the weather might get bad today and how much I hate storms and being alone so she offered to come get me and Zoey to stay at her house for the day, even though she won't even be there, Stan will though, I would probably go over if I felt better and if she was going to be around. Besides if the tornado siren went off I don't think Stan would even go in his basement, at least here I know I'm going to take it seriously and try to be safe. I bought a storm radio yesterday, good timing I guess.
I'm so tired, I didn't fall asleep until after two and I kept waking up a lot and I got up early to say bye to Lisle and I haven't went back to sleep yet. I decided on a name if we have a girl, Savannah Louise Cuson.. a girl at Walmart said it sounded like a movie star name, lol. If it's a boy I'm not sure what the name will be yet, but I'm sure the middle name will be Lisle's, Travis. Damn it's so dark. What a crappy day to be alone. I guess I'll go lay down for a while longer.. I feel kinda funny..

dorothy, it's a twister!

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 13:35:38 GMT

It's early but I was just looking through news articles online to figure out what really happened yesterday with the weather. Around like 2:30 or so a tornado warning flashed across my screen, which surprised the hell out of me because I didn't even think anyone was getting storms, the warning was for four counties, three of them just to the west of me moving south east ( right in my direction). I started freaking, not again!! This just happened maybe like two weeks ago in the same area just about.. the other warning was for up north of Milwaukee, about maybe thirty miles from the city I live in but i figured that one wouldn't bother me because storms don't usually move straight south. So about thirty minutes later the warnings expired for the counties next to Racine County and I could finally breathe normally.. it didn't even storm here, just some rain. They said there were several funnel clouds about 60 miles west of here, I haven't heard of any damage by them or the tornado the spotters said they saw but I did see the damage up north of Milwaukee on tv, it was only a F1 but 50 homes were damaged, they lost power, trees were everywhere and a school and a hotel were damaged, no one died though, just a old man broke his hip but he's okay. It's not even summer yet and this is the third tornado day this year so far with actual tornadoes.. which isn't bad to some but to me it's a big deal. I'm not used to seeing tornado warnings flash across my tv! At least it didn't get tooo close to us here, it hasn't yet.. so I'll keep praying. Wisconsin wasn't even in a severe storm watch box or anything, that's what happened last time too, so I feel bad for the people who get hit first because there isn't much warning, at least with living near the lake we have more time usually to prepare. Well I just thought I'd let people know about it, it's pretty interesting to me, I just wish I was out there with the storm chasers instead of being scared in my house not knowing what the hell is going to happen. I think I'd feel better if I could actually see the tornado and know exactly where it is. As stupid as that sounds. Well I think I'll go back to sleep for a few hours, I stayed up late talking to Lisle and his friend who was talking on the CB.. it was a pretty funny conversation :) Peace.

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 02:32:44 GMT

Why do I even bother to write in this journal, it's not like anyone actually reads it.. but oh well, I'm too lazy to get out my own journals in the closet so this will have to do I guess. I don't even know why I get online anymore, no one is ever on or if they are they don't talk.. not to mention I only have like two friends online.. it's sad.. if I didn't use the net to search stuff and check weather, my bank account and email I would probably just cancel it. I'm hardly even online anymore unless I'm writing in here or doing other quick things. The whole myspace thing got old and I'm thinking about just deleting the whole thing and never going back to it, it's pointless, it's a space for friends and I have none. I'm so tired, I took a short nap a little bit ago and now I feel like I'm ready for bed.. I think I slept for about ten hours last night so I don't know what my problem is.. I think I need more fresh air, I've been inside all day laying around and that usually makes me feel worse. But there isn't much to do outside either, especially when you're alone. I love my new furniture.. I can't tell you how nice it is to sit on something other than a futon.. actually it wasn't much of a futon anymore, it almost split in half. It's supposed to be hot and humid for the next few days.. actually probably for the rest of the summer.. blah.. I don't like when it's hot. The perfect weather would be in the 70s during the day and in the 50s at night.. but of course summer is never that comfortable.. and then there's all the storms that follow hot and humid days. It always makes me appreciate fall more though.. something to look forward to I guess. Lisle is on his way to NC.. but he'll be back up here on Tuesday for my Dr. appointment. Oh Roseannes on, gotta go.. it's the early seasons again. Bye.

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 02:29:23 GMT

Most people seem to write in their journals when they're upset or pissed off but this isn't going to be one of those entries.. I'm happy.. me and Lisle went over to this furniture place yesterday called " Get it now" and we found a great couch with a loveseat, it is the most comfortable thing I've ever sat on I swear.. and it's a nice plain tan color which I was looking for.. it cost almost $2,000 but they have it so you pay weekly instead of all at once so we end up paying $30 a week for like eighteen months which is worth it to me because it's the only way we can get a nice new couch.. and it comes with a loveseat so we'll have better furniture finally.. it gets delivered tomorrow morning. Next step is getting a new bed/mattress but I'll probably get a washer and dryer first.. then it's time to start seriously shopping for baby stuff. Lisle has to leave tomorrow already.. seems like he just got home.. his brother Mikey from NY (he drives truck) stopped in Racine on Sunday and he took us out for breakfast then came to our house all day and bought us pizza for dinner.. so that was pretty sweet.. he's a great guy.. his daughters need to appreciate what he does for them though. Today we did laundry and went to Walmart for groceries and other stuff.. I got a fan so that will help me sleep better I think. We also brought Zoey to the vet to find out that she already had a heartworm test last month which I wasn't aware of so all we had to do was get the pills then that was it.. lucky for her. Next Tuesday is my first real prenatal visit.. I just want it to be over with so I can relax a little! mmm these clementines are really good. Well that's about all that's been going on in the last few days.. we were going to see a movie while he was home but after putting down $300 for the couch and spending lots at Walmart we kind of ran out of spending money.. nothing new! Least his paycheck was really good... peeeace.

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 14:08:50 GMT

My dream last night is bothering me still so I guess I'll share it.. it's not much to say except that I lost my baby because I had cheated on Lisle with Billie (one of my ex's from years ago) and the feeling of not being good enough or not being able to be a mother was really upsetting even in a dream. I guess I figured Lisle was going to leave me because we couldn't seem to have a child together and after that loss I said I wasn't going to try again.. but I couldn't get a hold of Lisle and I couldn't find Billie after either.. so all I had was my family and they were eating like thanksgiving dinner or something and I just stayed in my room all upset about it. It's not the first time I've dreamt about losing my baby.. I guess that's normal since I miscarried three years ago but I was only about eight weeks along I guess.. and I believe I'm eleven weeks right now. So far so good. Well I just wanted to share the dream with someone else.. going back to sleep now because I haven't slept well all night thanks to noises and what not. Peace.

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 01:22:00 GMT

I'm really tired and thirsty... drinking lemonade seems to make it worse but I really like it. I have a lot on my mind right now, after talking to my sister Tracy I usually am annoyed by something.. like my family.. and right now it's my Mom.. I love her and miss her a lot but it's really hard sometimes to talk to her about anything in my life without her finding the negative side to everything, and after hearing her have nothing good to say it makes me not want to talk to her anymore.. and that sucks. I can't even have my own Mom support me in anything I do.. especially when I need her the most. It upsets me so much and when my daughter or son is older and needs to talk to me I will not push them away or have only bad things to say about them.. or talk behind their backs because to me that is the worst thing you could do to your own family.. not share your feelings with them.. good or bad I want to know, I am sick of hearing about it from my sisters and not from my own Mom. We had a pretty good relationship when I was living at home, we didn't get too personal which bothered me but all in all we had a good time together and we didn't fight that often.. but ever since I went out on my own and moved in with a guy she has changed and made me feel like I was just like my sisters who kept making mistakes in their lives.. I don't feel like I've made a mistake and I think I'm doing pretty well out here on my own and me and Lisle have a great relationship and I'm happy when it comes down to it. So you'd think she would be happy for me and support me having a child but no, all she has is negative things to say about it, like how Lisle isn't around because he drives truck.. but there are many jobs locally for a truck driver so that is just ignorant to say. He already has a new position that starts this month so obviously it can change. My plans on staying in Wisconsin for a while longer have nothing to do with my family or how they cause drama.. it's all to do with what's best for me and my baby.. so whatever they want to think about it I guess I can't change that. No matter how many times I tell them something they'll only ever see it their way. I don't know how it got so bad.. I guess we were always a disfunctional family but the whole talking behind each others backs is driving me nuts.. you don't do that in a family. I just have been enjoying making decisions for myself without thinking about what my Mom would think.. when I lived in NY I always thought about how she would take it but now I'm just living for myself and that's the way it should be.. and she should be behind me no matter what I decide.. it's not like I'm a druggie or a bad person.. but yet I still get treated like I am one of those people and it hurts. But she'll never change.. and I'll love her no matter what because she is my Mother.. but I will tell her how I feel if she starts in with the whole negativity when I go to visit this summer.. because I've had enough. Well that's what's on my mind and I feel a little better after typing this all down.. now I think I'll go lay down.. I feel like crap.

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 19:10:06 GMT

I don't have too much to write about but I feel like typing so here goes.. last few days I haven't done too much, just going on walks with Zoey because the weather has been beautiful.. low 70s with sunshine.. today is a little hotter though so when we got back I sprayed her with the hose, hehe.. she doesn't like water too much but I think it cooled her down a bit. I want to keep walking as often as I can.. they say it's a great exercise for people and since I'm pregnant it's even more important so I'm trying to not be toooo lazy although that is hard. Tomorrow I NEED to clean my house.. or at least some of it.. Lisle comes home next Sunday.. seven more days!! He's been gone for 21 days this time.. seems like forever. I hope the weather is nice when he comes home so we can hang out at the lake.. it's been forever since I've been down there. My doctor appointment is on the 20th and I'm getting anxious.. I can't wait to find out how everything is going and what not.. make sure it's all okay. I ordered the book that follows the one I finished last week True Believer.. this one is called At First Sight.. it continues where the other one left off so it should be interesting.. plus I like how Nicholas Sparks writes. When Lisle comes home I'm definately going to the library for more books.. I just love to read in the summer I don't know why. I feel like playing nintendo.. maybe I will.. for my birthday I'm getting the nintendo ds so I can buy the new mario game and the mario cart which i loooove. I'm never too old to play video games.. I told Lisle I'll bring the DS in with me when I go into labor lol... yeah I wish I could just zone it out by playing a game. I want to go swimming!!! If I was in NY I could just go to my mom's house. I'm still planning on going out for two weeks or so this summer to visit since I'm not moving there until next year or later. On a sadder note.. Sparky, my dad's dog, died a few days ago.. he was like thirteen years old and they never took him to the vet so go figure.. but I can't believe he lasted this long.. he had a pretty shitty life, chained up everyday with hardly any company.. it's too sad to think about.. he had a nice puppyhood though. It's just not fair. Well I think that's about it.. I need to make myself some lunch.. peace.

Fri, 26 May 2006 03:04:19 GMT

i went to my nurse educator appointment this afternoon, it was pretty interesting, she gave me a bunch of reading material to look through which i was hoping for. Lisle was looking through a magazine she gave me that had big pictures of what the fetus look like month by month.. he was so interested in that it was cute.. he said he's really excited now, i thought maybe if he came to the appointments it'd help him understand more about what's going on and what to look forward to and what he can help me with, so it was nice to see it worked. unfortunately he had to leave a few hours after and he won't be home until june 11 so it's really tough on both of us, i need him around to help out and just spend time with to get my mind off how crappy i feel and he wants to take care of me and be around more.. when we can get our transmission problem fixed in the cavalier, he's going to try to get into a local position with his company so that means 12 hour days five days a week but home afterwards and he would stay in wisconsin.. so i'm hoping he can get into that as soon as possible because it would be a major help plus when we start prenatal classes he'll be able to attend them and we won't have to worry about making sure he's in town that day. i'm really thirsty and tired today.. i took a little nap earlier but when i woke up i felt worse. the information i got today gave me a list of stuff i should be eating which is really helpful and i got a little book on exercising and what ones to do while i'm pregnant.. so i'm definately going to stick to that.. i'm planning on walking everyday if the weather is ok. we went to walmart last night when he got home and we bought this cute old fashioned hot dog cooker, i saw it in the ad and i had to have it and when i showed Lisle he put it in the cart lol.. he loves it too.. i also got a Nicholas Sparks book "True Believer".. i'm on chapter three right now and so far it's pretty interesting.. plus i wanted to start reading again i just couldn't find a good book. i haven't talked to my family in a few weeks and they still don't know my plans to stay here for another year or so.. i'm kind of afraid i'll let them down, but i'm sure they'll realize it's the best thing for me to do.. i hope anyways.. i wish they were around to help me but i guess i want to prove to myself and to them that i can do it on my own. well i think i'm going to lay down and read some more then get some sleep.

lazy days

Tue, 23 May 2006 19:52:11 GMT

its me again with another update..i know it's just so exciting :P anyhoo i finally watched the notebook(i rented it a week ago) and wow what a great movie! it made me want to go back in time to the 50's though lol.. people were so neat back then.. and it also made me want to be in love again.. i am in love with Lisle but he's hardly around anymore and we don't get to spend much time together.. makes me sad because there's so much we could be doing. i told him i want to take a day and hop on the train to chicago and spend the day there checking out the stores and maybe a museum or two and then i find out that the 50's style restaurant johnny rockets is there so we definately have to stop by and try their food. i'm hoping this all happens because this is the last year we have together without a baby and we should take advantage of it now. not saying we won't have a lot of fun with a baby, it's just we wouldn't be able to run to chicago for a day whenever we wanted. screw you donna taking my garbage can out already.. she does this everyday before garbage day, they don't pick up the garbage til tomorrow around 10 am... i haven't even put my garbage bag out yet! she makes me so angry with all the stupid pointless crap she does, the other morning she was blasting her church music so i put on Finch and turned up the volume, that was at 7 am.. ever since then i haven't heard her lame music. she only thinks about herself, like she's the only one living here. i can't wait to move into our own place with no freaking neighbors... how happy i'll be. well i think that's about all i have to say today.. the weather is beautiful so maybe i'll go back outside and get some sun. peace.

the last few days..

Wed, 17 May 2006 23:45:54 GMT

ok enough with the weird phone calls from people that never leave messages! I refuse to answer the phone if I don't know the person calling and I refuse even more if they don't leave a message. So anyways, Lisle came home on Saturday and he left this morning. We didn't do tooo much, just the usual, eat, laundry, tv/movies and I had to run around and apply for medicaid and go get my blood drawn for the hospital so I can make a dr appt. Which I am now allowed to do finally.. I should be two months pregnant next week already, i'll know more when I see my dr.. it's a female, I got to choose, there are many to choose from at this hospital.. too bad I wasn't staying here because this hospital is so much better than the little norwich one. Oh and Lisle took me to Dunkin Donuts finally! And then we got ice cream at the Baskin Robbins.. I never had their ice cream before but it was really good. I need to move out of this apartment, I hate everything about it lately, except the yard because its a nice size and fenced in. But other than that it's too small for me and i'm sick of the lady upstairs being really loud when she gets up at 2:30 am til around noon.. after that she's pretty quiet but by that time i'm already awake and wouldn't mind if she was loud.. so it's just not working out. And she's really nosy. I watched two really good movies a few days ago, one was called Stay, I didn't move throughout the whole movie, not even to get up for food or a drink.. it was that interesting.. and you didn't know what the heck was really going on til the very end, you couldn't even being to think what was to come next.. it was really good. Then we watched Memento... crazy movie because it starts from the end of the guys story and it goes to the beginning backwards like.. and it was also a surprise ending so that was awesome. i love movies where you cant predict what is going to happen and after you watch it you end up thinking about it for days. I also rented the notebook, haven't watched it yet though. So, morning sickness sucks.. but at least i'm not as sick as I was the first time i was pregnant maybe that's a good sign.. I'm still in the danger zone, I'll be out of it in like a month and I'll feel like I'm actually going to be a mommy after that.. right now I'm still scared that something will go wrong like last time. It's just hard because i only wanna eat certain things and its hard to make sure i have them in my kitchen all the time.. can't let my stomach get too empty because that's when i feel the worst. Zoey's doing good.. need to make a vet appt so she can start taking heartworm pills again. There are so many places to move here in Racine that are a good price and two bedrooms and then I look at places in norwich and there isn't much to choose from and most of them say no pets.. so I'm not sure about this whole moving to Norwich thing after all.. if I can't find a place then I'm stuck here I guess.. I can't wait too long before I move because I'll be too pregnant and I'm not going to want to ride in a truck for fifteen hours. So now comes the waiting game and in June I'll start looking for real to see what's in Norwich, if I can't find anything by september then I'll have to stick around here until after I have my baby. Besides, my family.. well mainly my mom is getting on my nerves about this whole pregnancy thing and she acts like I shouldn't live there or something.. I don't know what she really feels because she never tells me. Damn pizza burnt my mouth.. I guess that's about all I have to say.. wish Lisle had a local job where he could be home everynight.. sucks not having him around lately to take care of me.. until next entry..peace.

Wed, 03 May 2006 01:58:08 GMT

I'm really tired tonight so I'm going to make this shorter than usual.. so, I am about six weeks pregnant, most of my family should know by now, talked to my mom earlier, she of course had to tell me the "negative" things in my life that would affect me having a baby, like I don't think about all that stuff jeeeeez... who does she think I am?? I just want people to support me right now because I'm already scared enough about what my body will be going through and the labor and then raising a child! It's huuuuuge... and i think about it everyday so I don't need to hear any negativity anymore. Not to mention i'm terrified of having another miscarriage and i really don't want that to happen again, i want this child. So please God let me have this baby........... i'm as ready as I'll ever be. well i gotta clean up then take zoey outside then i'm going to sleep. thanks for listening..

feel so far away..

Sat, 22 Apr 2006 05:19:31 GMT

i wanted to wait until i was off the phone with Lisle before i started this journal entry but i couldn't wait much longer and he's still talking my ear off..*lol*.. so i got bad news about my Dad..(again).. he has diabetes and has to take three shots a day.. he's in the hospital still, so they can help him get more stabilized i assume. i hate not being able to be there and see him, i'm going to call him tomorrow. his blood sugar level was so high that if he didn't get to the hospital in time, his body could have shut down completely.. that really scares me.. he's only 59.. please give him many more years of life.. i still want to get to know him better and have him be there at my wedding and see my first child born. i'll be moving back soon so i'll be able to spend more time with him so that makes things a little brighter.. but i'm worried about him.. and i hope he can take care of himself.. i don't want him to end up back in the hospital.. he's been there too often in the past few years. so far my mom has been pretty lucky with her health.. as far as we all know anyways.. i hope she stays healthy and strong because if she was ever in the hospital i'd be even more of a wreck. it's so scary to know your parents are getting older and their health starts to go down hill.. its things you never think about when you're younger.. nothing will happen to your parents.. but that isn't true. i just miss my parents and my siblings so much lately, knowing i'm moving back there soon makes it even harder if that makes any sense.. like being so close you can almost taste it but not being there yet.. i can't wait to be able to spend more time with them again and not be so damn far away. i really love the new dixie chicks song.. not ready to make nice.. i'm going to buy their new cd for sure.. i really support them for doing what they did and i'm glad they're back in the music business. well i guess i'm going to head off to bed to watch tv.. take care.